“I think my wanting you to feel pain over me is more than just a desire for power. Power is a means, if not also an end. I think it may be related to my own pain, pain associated with my past.”

“That makes sense.”

“I don’t know why we get release from pain by causing hurt to others.”

“It does seem messed up.”

“I wonder if it is another of those redirect things, or if it is just evil and needs to be cut off. What purpose could it serve if there is any?”

“Is it an indirect way to get revenge?”

“Then should it be used directly on the person who caused the pain?”

“Setting aside the possibility of that person being a catalyst instead of a cause, how would it look if you were more direct in your aim?”

“I would make What’s His Name bend to my will.”

“What would that be?”

“To love me gently.”

“You don’t think he loves you?”

“No. I asked him one time if someone were pointing a gun at me, would he step between, and he said without hesitation, no.”

“That’s not how Christ responded.”

“I know. Another time, I was leaning down in the wagon so that I could not brace myself and he made the horses speed up around a bend. I almost fell out, and the look on his face was very chilling.”

“He is a coward.”

“I feel like I manipulated you into saying that.”

“I asked you on my own.”

“Ok. So why can’t I write him off as a coward and not be hurt and as a result have a desire to hurt someone else?”

“It’s weird how we think that we should be able to learn how to get what we want from people, and if it doesn’t work, we try on someone else. It must have something to do with our desire for repentance. We want to replay mistakes till we learn to be successful. You feel you failed in your ability to make him love you so you want me to to make up for it.”

“And if I can make you feel pain instead of me being made to hurt, I am as successful as WHN was.”

“It’s weird that we think inflicters of pain are more successful.”

“It seems they have the power over us. But causing pain for pain’s sake is mean, which is bad. How can badness be more powerful than goodness?”

“Anger and violence seem more powerful than gentleness and peace. But wouldn’t you feel stronger if you resisted the temptation to flirt, for example, than to react to your pain?”

“Yes. I’ve heard that freedom is the ability not to sin, even though it seems you aren’t getting what you want. So, does one just let the hurt and desire to get a different response go?”

“Maybe that is what forgiveness is, fasting from those reactions.”

“For a higher goal.”

Advertisements